Photo from Stay Healthy LA.
When do I have time to myself as a new Dad?
This is a question that often came to mind in the early early days of parenthood. Noticing the decreasing chunks of time where I can simply “do my thing” lead to at first concern, frustration then dismay and later to resolving how to deal with this new reality.
As we’ve discussed previously, having a child changes things. It changes everything to be precise. One of the more noticeable aspects of life that transforms is our daily schedule, in that we give up the level of control that we are used to. And in the process the time we have to ourselves to spend however we desire changes dramatically. It is no longer as accessible or plentiful as it used to be. This presents challenges, but these precious pockets of time still exist if we are creative in our efforts to find them.
The cause of our reduced personal time is of course honorable and magical- to nurture and spend time with our children. Yet selfishly my individual self vies for attention. Just because we become parents does not mean that our individual identities disappear, much as becoming a husband does not mean the death of our pre-husband selves (though I guess that point depends on the dynamic of your relationship). There’s no denying that being a parent certainly involves its fair share of compromise, but compromise too much and suddenly we do a disservice to who we are beyond, but not mutually exclusive to, being a parent.
When do we have time to think? To relax and do nothing? To work on things we are passionate about be it building a business or building a table? To play video games, work on our homes and do whatever else captures our interest. In short, when do we have time for ourselves?
What I’ve learned almost eight months into parenthood is that we must be clever and opportunistic in finding our alone time. It may happen in the early morning hours when everyone is asleep and all is calm. Five in the morning used to be a ludicrous time for me to wake up, but now knowing I would get a full two plus hours of focused me time to do whatever I want, I can see the appeal. And I’ve done it. Not on a consistent basis mind you, but I haven’t regretted it when it has happened.
Another pocket of time opens up once my daughter goes to sleep. Mari goes down around eight at night, and suddenly the world of possibilities opens up to my wife and I. We can do whatever we want. That is until she wakes up. If you are fortunate enough to have a child that is sleeping through the night like Mari started doing a few weeks back, then you are familiar with the magic of evening time in that it affords the freedom to do as we please and embrace being selfish with our time doing whatever our hearts desire.
During the weekend it is a free for all. My wife and I are with Mari all day. Pockets of free time present themselves during naps. A half an hour there. An hour or so in the afternoon. Whatever the space of time may be, I try to get as much done as I can. Because the notion of having all afternoon on a weekend to myself no longer exists, or is a rarity at best. And it’s not all about wanting to escape my daughter. Really that is not my goal. But I realize that by having time to myself to get things done or to just veg out, then enables me to more present with my daughter when she’s up and about. Kind of like how going on vacation actually helps us be more productive at work. It is healthy to get away and have a break. Therefore fret not, yes our lives as parents have fundamentally changed. Yet we can still find time for ourselves, we just have to be willing to wake up early enough, be opportunistic when a nap happens and be patient to work with our child on sleeping through the night.
In my experience this process of reconnecting with our individual selves doesn’t happen overnight. And early on in the parenting process just assume it’s a wash in that you will be living in the chaos and wonder of the cocoon phase. But change is inevitable, and gradually you will see the opportunities for alone time opening up anew, even if how we reach these opportunities looks completely different.