Bundles of joy, surprise bombs, poo sacks aka diapers.
New Dad rule #1: expect the unexpected.
I currently work in software development as a product manager. In a nutshell, my job is to ensure that what the engineers are building matches the needs of customers and goals of the business. As you can imagine, this is a process that is constantly evolving throughout the development of a feature, a website, a mobile application. Managing uncertainty and being able to adapt with changing priorities and insights are key traits to success in the product management discipline, even when the change is drastic. In the startup world we call this pivoting.
And as it would turn out, this experience proves quite useful when parenting.
I am an incessant planner. I have 5-year plans. Annual plans. Monthly plans. Daily to do lists. Plans within plans. You get the idea. I like knowing what I’m headed towards, though less because I’m trying to create certainty, but more so because I’m trying to more effectively navigate uncertainty when it arises. Now in my mid-thirties, I have come to realize the value of making plans for me is to clarify goals, ensure diligence and prepare for various outcomes, all the while knowing there is a high likelihood that the plan itself will not work out exactly the way I intended. If it does then great, but in my experience this represents the exception, not the rule and there are unknown, exciting outcomes that get to be discovered along the way of executing the plan.
This is a lot of setup I realize, but it’s important to understand that I really value planning, and when it comes to parenting, planning is good, but you can expect pivots or audibles to emerge at every turn.
For example, think you’ll be ready to meet your friends at 11am for brunch with the baby? Sounds reasonable, until SURPRISE! she takes a massive poo that leaks out of the diaper onto your pants as you are putting her in the car seat and immediately requires a bath. More like see you at noon, or more likely can we reschedule?
Really excited about getting up early for that weekend yoga class? Who wouldn’t be, until SURPRISE! your baby wakes up multiple times during the night giving you a sum total of 6 hours of sleep similar to canine sleep patterns. Come class time you are dead asleep recovering. You wake up at 9am. Class over.
The point is, when it comes to parenting, planning is hard. And going with the flow and calling audibles is inevitable and a necessity. This is a gift and a challenge. The challenge is obvious in that doing what we want to do suddenly becomes more complex, more difficult to achieve. It can be frustrating having a plan to get some work done, meet friends, have a date night, etc. only for the plans to shift on a dime into parenting logistics mode. Ah the “joys” of parenting.
The gift, on the other hand, is that these pivots, these audibles to our plan force us to focus on something outside of ourselves, which I realize sounds quite lofty and deep, but has several tangible benefits:
Once you have a child, FOMO (fear of missing out) evaporates. FOMO goes from an external perspective of wanting to go out to an internal focus of not wanting to miss out on being with my family. It is quite the transition. Being a homebody never felt so good.
To support the first point, having a child is the ultimate get out of jail free card when it comes to social obligations. Just got invited to a destination wedding that would cost bucks and take up precious vacation days not to mention the logistics of traveling with a child? Sorry, I have a baby. Or maybe there’s an obligatory work event where the protocol is awkwardly making small talk while getting impressively, unnecessarily inebriated. So sorry, I have to put my baby to bed. Whatever the scenario, whatever the use case, if you don’t want to do it, you know always have a way out that no one can push back on. Your baby is quite the trump card when it comes to saying no. I got aces.
It’s hard to be stressed about work, career, something internal when I’m dealing with a massive poo that has saturated the diaper and covers my baby’s privates, back and legs. It just is. I’m trying to deftly wipe her off without getting it all over her, me and the changing table and it truly requires all of my coordination and focus. Perhaps there was/is a benefit to playing video games afterall. There’s nothing like the power of poo to focus my mind on the here and now and let go of other mental and emotional baggage I’m carrying, even if temporarily.
Finally, there’s something humbling and gratifying about plans changing for the purpose of caring for your child. Sure, maybe you won’t make it to the movie or to brunch or whatever, but to be honest if the tradeoff is that I get to spend more time with my daughter, then ultimately that’s a win-win situation. This feels both masochistic and also perhaps a sign of maturity, but it feels good to have a greater force in life (our children) exert their influence and demands on our lives. Because this leads to greater responsibility. And living life in a way that is not all and only about myself. I like not being able to fixate so much on everything about me anymore. I still do of course, but less so. I feel much healthier.
Being a parent can be challenging. It often is. And one of the foundational challenges is the amount of volatility your child will introduce into every aspect of your life. Things often do not go as planned. But still, there is joy to be found in the pivots and pleasure inside the audibles. Because at the end of the day, being with my family is such an enriching, meaningful part of my life. Where else do I have to be? Where else is my time better spent? This is not to say that career and friends and community are not important because they are, but family is a hell of a drug.
And who knows, maybe there’s an app idea for diaper changing? Perhaps there is more opportunity in poo then meets the eye :)